Things theTwilight Characters Aren't Allowed to Do
by RathboneLvr482
Summary: So this is the set of rules that I set out for the Twilight Characters. It's up to them whether or not to follow them. So do they follow them or not? Weee know! And so will you if you click the little blue link above! Click the link and/or Eddie gets it.
1. 30 Things Carlisle is Not Allowed to Do

**This is a direct result of a very bored, very twisted, very annoyed mind who is experimenting with the characters from her favorite book series/movie!**

**ENJOY!!!**

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30 Things That Carlisle is Not Allowed to Do

1. He is not allowed to suck the blood out of his patients.

2. He is not allowed to call himself a "Pimp." No matter how hard he wants to fit in!

3. He is not allowed to make a recording of himself _acting_ like a pimp!

4. He is not allowed to audition for American Idol singing "Don't Trust Me" by 3Oh!3

5. He is not allowed to inappropriately touch Edward! That is incest and not only frowned upon in many cultures, but is also illegal and he could go to jail.

6. Or Jasper!

7. Or Emmett! Heeee may not tell… but then again, he may go bragging at school…

8. And then Carlisle would still go to jail…

9. He is not allowed to chase after Aro begging him to take him back!

10. When Aro says that it never happened, nor will it ever happen, he is not allowed to cry and then start stalking Aro…. _again…_

11. Carlisle may NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, mentally rape Edward! No matter how much James, Emmett, and Jasper tell him he likes it!

12. He is not allowed to buy Bella off of Emmett!

13. He is not allowed to sell Jasper to a creepy pedophile who lives in the U.S!

14. Or Canada!

15. Or Europe!

16. Or any other human in the world! Jasper is not allowed to be sold to any living human!

17. Or Mike!

18. Or any VAMPIRES!!!

19. He is not allowed to make a video of himself and Esme in bed, then leave it under Edward's pillow…

20. OR IN HIS PIANO!!!

21. He is not allowed to copy Edward and watch Bella while she sleeps.

22. Or is in the shower!

23. He is not allowed to brag about how he swam to France from England while holding his breath the entire way!

24. He is not allowed to force Jasper to swim from Forks to France while holding his breath and giving him a piggy back ride!

25. And Carlisle may not ENJOY the piggy back ride… otherwise he will be arrested!!!

26. He may not start a band (playing Jasper's guitar or Edward's piano) in which they light their instruments on fire!! This is dangerous and will only get him murdered by one or both of his sons.

27. Carlisle can not combine the funky chicken and a lap dance and do the result to Edward!

28. OR JASPER!!!

29. If he does any or all of the listed above, we will get the very nice men with a very big net and a very big needle, and he will wake up very confused… in a small town in Wisconsin… (Author grins evilly)

30. Did we already say that Carlisle can not mentally rape Edward?… 'cuz we lied…

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**(All Cullens, minus Carlisle, Esme, and Edward are laughing like crazy)**

**Keri: Hope you all liked it! Especially you Emmett… CUZ YOU'RE NEXT!!!!**

**Emmett: YAAAAY!!!**

**Carlisle: Emmett, that's not a good thing!**

**Emmett: Yes, but they are guidelines telling me what not to do! So naturally, I'll do them!**

**Carlisle: Did you pay attention to anything that just happened on my list!?!?**

**Emmett: Not really, no. So them picking me is _not_ a good thing?**

**Gypsy: Nope. (grins evilly)**

**Keri: So, Emmett, you're. Next!**

**Edward: Ha ha! **

**Carlisle: Why would you say that!? I would never do that!**

**Edward: (is lying on the floor screaming and rubbing his temples)**

**Carlisle: Edward?! What's wrong!? Get up...**

**Edward: (finally stands. Walks over and punches Carlisle in the face.)**

**Carlisle: Ow! (Runs out of the room)**

**Alice: Edward?! What happened?!**

**Edward: He was thinking of doing numbers 5 and 11...**

**(All Cullens look back at the list. Laugh at Edward's misfortune. Esme comes over and gives him a hug)**

**Gypsy: Remember, Emmett! You're next!**

**Keri: (turns to readers) Please! Please review! If you have any ideas for ANY of the Cullens… or Charlie… or Jacob… or any of the Bad Vamps… send a review with it.**


	2. 30 Things Emmett is Not Allowed to Do

**Here's more rules! And we also have Edward's done so, five reviews and we update! I KNOW THERE ARE FIVE OF YOU READING THIS!!! SO REVIEW OR I WON'T UPDATE EDWARD'S! AND I ALREADY HAVE IT DONE!!!**

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30 Things Emmett is Not Allowed to Do

1. Edward

2. Rosalie's bra is not a slingshot, NO MATTER WHAT CARLISLE TOLD HIM!!!

3. Emmett may not brag around school what Carlisle does to him in his sleep! This will only cause pain and misery

4 He is not allowed to videotape Rosalie and Alice dancing and put them up as amateur showgirls online

5. He is not allowed to tell Carlisle that Edward likes being mentally raped!

6. He is not allowed to push Edward into a bonfire and then tell him to "suck it up!" (No matter how much I want him to)

7. Emmett may not put Jasper into a tub of hot lava, then instantly cool it with water.

8. Emmett may not pressure Carlisle to do unsaid things to him in his sleep.

9. Or the shower.

10. Emmett may not dye Jasper's hair. That is Edward's job!

11. Emmett may not fling things at any of his siblings using Rosalie's bra.

12. Emmett may not philosophize.

13. Emmett may not push Bella into the English channel and tell her to swim home.

14. Emmett may not sprinkle pixie dust on Alice and scream, "Live, Tinkerbell!! I believe in you!!"

15. Emmett may not ask Alice at any point in her existence, "Why can't you fly?"

16. When Alice says, "Because I'm not Tinkerbell," Emmett may not pick her up and throw her in order to make her, "fly."

17. Emmett can not eat Peanut Butter. Do not let him.

18. Emmett can not pay any of his brothers to do a belly dance in the middle of the street. No matter how much fan girls pay him to pay them.

19. Emmett is not allowed to keep the money.

20. Emmett can not burst out singing Kung Fu Fighting. If he does, I give you permission to snap his leg off.

21. Emmett can not replace "Those kicks were fast as lightning" with "Those chicks were fast as lighting"

22. Emmett may not teach Renesmee to say, "Stick that in your juice box and suck it!"

23. Emmett can NOT burn down any sushi shops for the love of Davy Jones!!!

24. OR THE HOSPITAL! For the love of Carlisle!

25. Emmett is not allowed to keep a dirt collection in Edward's piano or Jasper's guitar case!

26. Emmett may not at any point in his existence, tell Carlisle, "At least _my _human father wouldn't kill me if I saw him again!"

27. Emmett may not keep a pet panda bear. Edward is afraid of them.

28. Emmett may NOT try to convince his family to start hunting humans because "Girls dig the red eyes!"

29. Emmett can NOT dig up Esme's flower garden.

30. When Esme catches him, he may not stick his head in the dirt in a futile attempt to hide.

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**Emmett: Well, that wasn't so bad. And I got quite a few ideas... HEY NESSIE!!! **

**Bella: No! Get back here, Cullen!**

**Keri: Soooo! Eddie's up next! And we have a special surprise for him!**

**Edward: What?!**

**Keri: It was _your_ birthday, Edward!**

**Edward: Damn...**


	3. Author's Note

**A/N: WE KNOW THAT MORE THAN FOUR OF YOU READ THIS!!! COME ON!! JUST ONE MORE REVIEW BEFORE WE CAN POST EDDIE!!! IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE A COMPLETE REVIEW!!! IT CAN BE ONE SENTENCE! THREE WORDS!!! OR EVEN, . . . ! THAT COUNTS AS A REVIEW IN OUR BOOK!! IT CAN EVEN BE A FLAME!! OR ANONYMOUS!!! COME ON!!! NOW REVIEW AND EDDIE GETS IT!!! We guarantee that you will either laugh so hard you will have to be taken to the hospital, or throw up half the food you've eaten in your life… SO REVIEW!!! **

**Please!!!!**

**K. & G.**


	4. 45 Things Edward is Not Allowed to Do

**First of all, thanks to all two of you who reviewed to our author's note. Even though one of you didn't really say anything worthwhile, but hey, we kinda told you to do that. Anyway, here's what we, and you, have been waiting for... HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, EDWARD!!!! HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR PRESENTS!!!! Now here's our present to ya, Eddie!**

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45 Things Edward Is Not Allowed to Do

1. Bella

2. Alice

3. Rosalie

4. Esme

**Edward: WHAT?!?! Why would I- *looks around. Everyone is scooting away from him. Including Esme* OH COME ON!!!**

5. Victoria

6. Emmett

7. Carlisle (Not that he'll listen…)

**Edward: HEY!!! That's not funny!**

8. He is not allowed to _not_ do Jessica Stanley.

9. Edward is not allowed to scream when Emmett and/or Jasper mentally rape him at lunch.

10. Jacob

11. Charlie

12. The PACK!

13. Edward is not allowed to shoot random waves of lust at Jasper whenever he is around Emmett.

14. Or Carlisle…

**Edward: Will you **_**DROP THAT?! **_

**Keri: NO!**

15. Jasper…. JAAAASPEEER!

16. Edward may not run around Forks butt naked in the sunlight.

17. Edward is not allowed to burst into a church screaming, "I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!!!"

18. Edward is not allowed to scare Bella by jumping her in the woods yelling that he's pregnant with his brothers'/father's kids.

19. Edward is not _**ALLOWED**_ to have his brothers'/father's kids!

20. Edward is not allowed to be gay. (But he can't help that…)

**Edward: Shut up!!!!**

21. Edward cannot phone Jasper in the middle of the night whispering inappropriate, sexual things and threatening to kill him… Jasper has caller ID.

22. Edward cannot make a virtual Cullen family on Sims 3.

23. He is not allowed to make his Sims gay.

24. He is not allowed to put virtual Emmett in a bikini.

25. Or virtual Carlisle.

**Edward: THAT IS WROOOONG!!! (looks at Sims 3 game)**

26. Edward cannot cross-breed virtual species.

27. Edward cannot change the Sims characters… or their pets.

28. Edward cannot make his Sims characters his own personal slaves…whether in a disturbing way, or the make them do your chores and starve them way.

29. Edward is not allowed to create a MySpace profile exposing the Cullen boys (and not as vampires either…)

30. Edward may not try to run away while Carlisle is mentally raping him!

may not go up to Jasper and ask, "Does your banana have one nut, or two?"

32. He is also not allowed to dress up in a sexy army uniform and show up at Jasper's bedroom door saying, "Ready when you are, sir!"

**Edward and Jasper: Oh. My. God. That is sick!**

33. Or dress up in a sexy _nurse's _outfit and show up at _Carlisle's _bedroom door saying, "Ready when you are, Doc."

**Edward: (Throws hands in the air) You know what? I. GIVE. UP!!! If you guys are sooo obsessed with me getting together with my dad, FINE BY ME!!!!**

**Keri: Oh, that's great! We were actually going easy on you before! We were running low on ideas! Now there's **_**no**_** holding back!**

**Edward: You were… going easy… on me?**

**Keri: And Bingo was his name-o.**

34. Edward cannot castrate Emmett and put his 'Toy Joys' in a meatball sub and give it to Mike Newton.

35. Edward cannot and can NEVER make a Jasper 'Toy Joy' surprise.

**Edward: (dry sobbing) Leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Keri: NEVA!**

**Edward: I****—****I don' like you!**

**Keri: The feeling is mutual, Cullen!**

36. Edward cannot tie Emmett to a chair with Jasper on top of him, forcing them to watch him masturbate while singing various melodies from High School Musical and Camp Rock.

37. When Jasper and Emmett finally escape and go crying to Carlisle, Edward CANNOT take this as an opportune moment to take revenge on Carlisle, and then eat a "Carlisle Toy Joy" sub.

38. Edward cannot glue Jasper and Emmett's butts together.

39. Edward cannot season ANY 'Toy Joy' sub with sweet and salty mayonnaise.

40. Or pubes…

41. Edward cannot replace Jasper, Carlisle, or Emmett's shampoo with said mayonnaise.

**Keri: (starts sobbing) I'm not writing… nor reading this!**

**Gypsy: Hi.**

42. Virtual Edward in Sims 3 cannot EVER do any of the above.

43. Edward CANNOT serve 'TOY JOY' SPAGHETTI! _NEVER LET HIM COOK IT AGAIN!!!!!!! _("little heart," Carlisle)

44. Edward, for the rest of his lifespan, can NEVER punish Keri or her co-writer, Gypsy, for everything they have done to him during this chapter. It is for his birthday only.

45. Edward is not allowed to obey the restraining order set out by his family as of the end of this. (Thank you, Alice, for telling us your family will be setting the restraining order by the time we finish this.)

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**Keri: (looks up at Gypsy) You do know I'm never going to eat Mayonnaise again… right?**

**  
Gypsy: I don't really care.**

**Keri: You don't care that you scarred your best friend for life?**

**Gypsy: When have I ever?! More importantly, where's Edward?**

**Jasper: He's in my corner rocking back and forth. **

**Gypsy: GROSS, JASPER!!! You were my favorite!!**

**Jasper: Really? I was!?**

**Gypsy: Yeah, you still are.**

**Keri: You're in the running with Emmett and Carlisle with me…**

**Carlisle: Oh, so that's why you just **_**loved **_**me in the story so much!**

**Keri: Oh, shut it! If you really want, go read my "Insanely Messed Up Cullen Family" story!**

**Emmett: There's another one!?**

**Keri: Yup! And don't worry, Carlisle! You're actually loved in that one! (puts hands to heart, lowers them…) I didn't do anything…**

**Gypsy: NO! Both of you shut up! (starts cabbage-patching and sings) We made Eddie cry-y! We made Eddie cry-y! We made Eddie cry-y!**

**(Zooms to Edward, who is sitting in a corner with a knife, trying to cut his wrist)  
**

**Edward: I just won't bleed. Carlisle? Where's the lighter?**

**Carlisle: No.**

**Emmett: (walks over with a lighter, lights the knife on fire) There ya go, bro!**

**Esme: No. (smacks the knife out of Edward's hand) Bad!**

**(Edward reaches into his pocket, pulls out one slip of paper)**

**  
Jasper: What's that?**

**Edward: Plane ticket.**

**Jasper: To where?!**

**Edward: Volterra.**

**Keri: Don't worry all! We got you all a ticket there too! Just in case! (passes one to Jasper) There's yours. **

**Jasper: Why are you giving me mine now?**

**Keri: Because you're next.**

**Jasper: WHY MUST THE WORLD BE SO CRUEL!?!?!**

**Keri: What the hell? I just said you were next!**


End file.
